Embracing My Hidden Jewish Roots
My ancestors were assimilated Jews. I want to break that cycle.
Although I was never raised with any religious background, my father is Irish and was raised Protestant; my mother is French and Polish and was raised Catholic. When I was young, I remember my mother showing me a photo of my great-grandfather Moses. When she told me his name, it obviously ignited a strong curiosity inside me that continued to grow for decades.
After getting a DNA test from Ancestry.com and doing relentless genealogy research for over a year, it turns out that I have hidden Jewish roots from my French ancestry. My maternal great-grandfather’s father was also named Moses. His mother’s surname was Durand, which I’ve learned descends from Sephardic origin—the Jews who lived in Spain and Portugal from the Roman Empire until their persecution and mass expulsion from those countries in the last decades of the 15th century. They were forced to convert to Catholicism. Some denounced all of their Jewishness to avoid persecution or being murdered while others practiced Judaism in secrecy, who are known as Crypto-Jews. I have traced the Durand family tree all the way back to the 16th century. They were all from Southern France, mainly Montpellier and Angoulême, which are both near the Spanish border.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt an unavoidable pull to Judaism. Growing up, my mother made me read Elie Wiesel’s 1960 memoir Night, which detailed his experiences with his father in the Holocaust. I didn’t quite understand why my mother was so adamant that I read it, but I didn’t question it. During the book fair in elementary school—which was the highlight of my year—something came over me. I was compelled to get a book called We Are Witnesses, which was five different diaries of teenagers who died in the Holocaust. It also came with a picture book called We Remember the Holocaust. These books moved me in such a profound way at such a young age that had impacted me immensely.
Upon reflection and education, I’ve now learned that a lot of my mother’s values and customs she taught me would be considered Jewish secularism. She was passionate about social justice, or tikkun olam, a core Jewish value. She is a staunch Democrat, I have never to this day seen my mother eat pork, and she seldomly consumes alcohol. She has always kept a copious amount of seltzer water in the house and fed us plenty of egg noodles with dinner as kids. Every Thursday night she would watch Seinfeld religiously.
When I was a kid, I had a very bad speech impediment due to learning disabilities. I worked with a speech therapist who had a large impact on me, since I spent time with her every week. She remained in my life for several years, working with my twin sister throughout high school and becoming a family friend. I would have my speech therapy sessions with her in her home. This was the first time I remember seeing a menorah. She taught me the story of Hanukkah and tried to teach me some Hebrew. I haven’t seen her in a very long time, but I still think of her often and how fond of her I was growing up.
In high school, I was always told that I “looked Jewish”, due to my curly hair. Some people even threw some antisemitic slurs towards me. I would use these hurtful words as fuel to awaken my Jewish soul.
My ancestors were assimilated Jews. They were forced to convert to Catholicism or lived as Crypto-Jews, which I am able to draw a parallel between myself living as a closeted trans woman for years and not even knowing it. I don’t even know if my mother knows she is Jewish, but her Jewish soul has carried on over to me. My intuition always told me that it was a dark family secret. I want to break that cycle. Ever since I started embracing Judaism a year ago, I have felt complete; whether it be reading Torah, lighting Shabbat candles every Friday, proudly wearing a Star of David around my neck, learning about Zionism, or going to synagogue. My Jewish soul has been itching to be set free for what feels like centuries. I refuse to live in the shadows; my whole life purpose is to live as authentically as I possibly can.